1. What is the Toxic Relationship Pattern Detector?

The Toxic Relationship Pattern Detector is a 20-question awareness quiz that identifies which relational patterns — people-pleasing, codependency, avoidant patterns, anxious attachment, and trauma bonding — are most active in your relationships.

This tool is not designed to label you or your relationships. It is designed to bring awareness to patterns that often operate invisibly — patterns that cause suffering precisely because they are so deeply ingrained they feel normal.

ImportantThis tool is for awareness and self-reflection. It does not diagnose any condition, and having high scores in any pattern does not mean you are broken or in an abusive situation. Many of these patterns develop as completely understandable adaptations to difficult early experiences. Awareness is the first — and most powerful — step toward change.

2. The 5 relationship patterns explained

People-pleasing

People-pleasing is the pattern of consistently prioritising others’ comfort, approval, or needs over your own. It usually feels like being ‘nice’ or ‘easy-going’ — but underneath, it is driven by anxiety about others’ reactions and a deep fear of disapproval or conflict. The cost is chronic self-abandonment.

Codependency

Codependency is the pattern of over-focusing on another person’s needs, moods, or wellbeing — at the expense of your own. It involves a blurring of identity in relationships: you lose yourself in the other person’s emotional world. It often develops in families where one person had high, unpredictable, or overwhelming needs.

Avoidant patterns

Avoidant patterns involve emotional distancing when relationships become close, dismissing or minimising your own needs, and dealing with stress alone rather than seeking support. It is the relational equivalent of building walls — and while it creates safety, it also creates profound loneliness.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment involves a fear of abandonment that creates hypervigilance in relationships — constantly monitoring for signs of distance, rejection, or change. It creates a cycle of seeking reassurance, getting it, and then needing it again — because the underlying fear of loss is never fully addressed.

Trauma bonding

Trauma bonding occurs in relationships with intermittent cycles of harm and warmth — the alternation between pain and reward creates a powerful neurological bond. This is not weakness or poor judgement. It is a physiological response that is extremely difficult to break without targeted support.

3. How to use this tool

1. Answer all 20 questions based on your relationships generally — or a specific relationship you are concerned about

Review all 5 pattern scores — low scores are informative too

Focus most attention on your highest-scoring pattern’s next steps

If trauma bonding scored high, please read that section carefully

Consider sharing your results with a therapist for deeper work

4. Working with each pattern

If people-pleasing is your primary pattern

• Begin tracking when you say yes when you want to say no — just observe first, without forcing change
• Notice what emotion drives the yes — fear of anger? Fear of rejection? Fear of being seen as difficult?
• Practise delay: ‘I need to think about that’ buys time between impulse and automatic compliance
• Work with a therapist trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) — it is particularly effective for people-pleasing

If codependency is your primary pattern

• Spend one week asking yourself ‘What do I need right now?’ before asking what someone else needs
• Notice when another person’s mood changes your own mood automatically — without their saying anything
• Recommended reading: ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie; ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsay Gibson
• Build at least one part of your life that is entirely yours — a hobby, a friendship, a practice — that does not involve the central relationship

If anxious attachment is your primary pattern

• Learn about the nervous system and the window of tolerance — anxious attachment is a dysregulated nervous system response, not a character flaw
• Practise self-soothing: when anxiety spikes, address your nervous system before reaching for reassurance
• Attachment therapy (particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT) can create lasting change
• Work on building a stable, positive internal relationship with yourself — so your sense of safety is not entirely dependent on external validation

If trauma bonding scored high

• Please know: this is not something you should try to address alone
• Seek a therapist who specialises in trauma and complex trauma specifically
• If you are currently in a harmful relationship, building a support network outside that relationship is a crucial first step
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers confidential support in the US. Similar services exist in most countries

5. Frequently asked questions

Does having these patterns mean my relationship is toxic?

Not necessarily. Many of these patterns can be present in functional relationships and can be worked through with awareness and mutual effort. The patterns themselves are not the problem — they are adaptive strategies that made sense at some point. The question is whether you and the people in your life have the safety, willingness, and capacity to grow toward something healthier.

My partner scored high on these patterns. Should I show them this tool?

This tool is most powerful when someone uses it voluntarily for their own self-reflection. Showing it to a partner as evidence of their patterns is unlikely to be received well and may cause defensiveness. If you are concerned about a partner’s patterns, a couples therapist is a much safer and more effective context for that conversation.

Can these patterns change?

Yes — all of them can change. Change is not quick or linear, but it is absolutely possible. The most effective path involves: understanding the pattern’s origin, working with a skilled therapist, building new relational experiences that contradict the old ones, and developing a compassionate relationship with the part of you that learned the pattern in the first place.